by Trebe Callahan
If you intend to own and drive a pickup there are a few absolutes:
1. You should drive a pickup truck whether you need one or not. It
should be extremely large with lots of blinding yellow fog lights. If it
doesn't have them already, purchase used tires from MX missile transport
trucks (roughly six feet in diameter) and raise the suspension to allow
clearance over the wimps that drive cars. If you must drive a car, make
sure that it couldn't possibly pass inspection.
2. Practice your best scowl. Remember that this is the only expression
you are permitted to show once behind the wheel. So make it as ugly as
3. Do NOT be intimidated by the weather. It should never affect your
macho driving style. Under no circumstances should you use windshield
wipers. The are for appearance only. If snow has blanketed your vehicle,
clear a peep-hole just large enough to see what's in front of you. You are
not permitted to leave your vehicle to do this, however! If you can't
reach around to the windshield while you are driving, then put on your
defroster and windshield wipers full blast until you can just see the road.
4. Darkness intimidates wimps! Only use your headlights when its pitch
dark and you see the police. Of course, if you do have those blinding
yellow fog lights, you may use them whenever you see fit. It is also
considered macho if only one front headlight works.
5. Always drive with your right hand on the wheel and your entire left
arm hanging loosely out the window like a slab of meat.
6. Any loose objects in the vehicle may be thrown out of the window
without hesitation (especially macho is throwing out burning objects like
7. The only appropriate time to use directional signals, if you must use
them at all, is while you're driving in a straight line down the highway
(you could actually leave them on all the time since nobody really believes
you are going to turn anyway).
8. You must be prepared to yell obscenities at and give the finger to
anything that moves. If you are always prepared, you will beat the other
macho drivers to the punch.
9. In Los Angeles, the road sign YIELD has no meaning, but the sign STOP
means YIELD. A flashing yellow or green light means the same thing as a
YIELD sign, and a flashing red light is the same as a STOP sign. You must
never come to a complete stop unless the vehicle in front of you comes to a
complete stop. Only wimps stop for red lights. So be sure to blast your
horn the split second the light turns green.
10. Driving in the breakdown lane is strongly encouraged. Passing
traffic in the breakdown lane on multi-lane highways is particularly macho.
Driving over the road shoulder or on top of the median strip to get around
traffic should be left to the experienced macho driver.
11. Passing traffic on winding, narrow roads without hesitation will gain
the respect of other macho drivers.
12. Never yield to emergency road vehicles such as ambulances. They will
find a way to get around you (they should never have caught up with you in
the first place).
13. You must master the art of tailgating to become a full-fledged macho
driver. With practice, it is possible to maintain a distance of two to
three inches between you and the vehicle in front of you without even
paying attention! This is particularly confusing to the driver when you are
in heavy traffic. If the driver in front of you tries something cute like
slowing down, jamming on the brakes, or flipping the lights on and off, be
ready with your obscenities and finger. Remember that you are always in a
bigger hurry than the guy in front of you.
14. Another art to master is that of "cutting off" other drivers. This
must be done with great care when cutting off other macho drivers.
Sometimes it is necessary to wait for the oncoming vehicle for quite some
time before rolling out in front of it, but that is the art. Your mission
is to see the front of the vehicle you're cutting off nearly hit the ground
as it brakes to a screeching halt. Of course, you appear never to have
seen the oncoming vehicle even though you had to wait for it. You must
then be careful not to accelerate until the driver you just cut off has
finished giving you the finger and yelling obscenities.
15. Sometimes associated with "cutting off" is the ability to close off
gaps in traffic. This is one of my favorite macho-driving techniques.
When you detect a vehicle either trying to pull into traffic or
accelerating towards you in an attempt to get past you, you must adjust
your speed such that the gap in traffic will NOT be there when the vehicle
gets to it. You must anticipate the driver's intention while nonchalantly
altering your speed to intercept. A fun variation of this technique is to
use it to prevent vehicles from getting on or off the highway. Remember
that you must not notice the other driver's predicament as he/she jams on